I recently had someone ask me, "What has God been doing in your life this semester?" I was a bit taken aback. What has God been doing in my life the past couple of months? That question has since prompted some serious reflection and prayer on my part.
More than anything, God has given me a new definition of strength. I used to think that strength meant I never showed a weakness or struggle. Strong people don't have weaknesses? They're strong for a reason, right? Nope.
I was asking God for strength one night, and God said you need to share your weaknesses with the people you trust most, only then will you experience true strength.
Right. Like that was going to happen.
I fought God for months last semester because I thought I needed to keep up this perfect image of a strong person. Strong people don't have weaknesses. There was no way I was ever going to share what I was struggling with. That would make me weak. Nope. Not gonna happen.
And then second semester started and something changed in me. I can't tell you what it was but I do know that it was an overwhelming desire to finally share my story and the struggles I had been fighting for months. In fact, I lead a floor of freshman girls with my roommate through our Campus Ministry Program and we were frantically trying to find a good devotion or Bible study to do for that night (I promise, I'm usually pretty prepared for things!) when God said this was the perfect time to share my weaknesses - with the young women I was supposed to be strongest for.
Okay sweet. This was about to be an interesting night.
I shared with my roommates my biggest secret of all - I was living a life of disordered eating and negative self-talk, to the point where I didn't understand my purpose in life anymore. For months I was wearing a facade that I was so confident and that I knew exactly where my life was going when in reality my self-worth had been ripped to shreds and I was lost with not an ounce of direction left in me. There were days I would restrict my calorie intake so much and there were days I would far exceed a normal intake. There were nights I went to bed feeling so worthless and actually mad at God for allowing me to feel like this. There were days I doubted I was even in the right major and contemplated dropping out because the fear of failure was all too real. I couldn't bear the thought of not being a perfect student. I began crawling back to a high school ex-boyfriend because I thought I would be alone the rest of my life and I thought that was the only option I had left. I would go through horrible stints of depression in which I would get ridiculous amounts of sleep, often as a way to forget about the pain of where my life was going. I was sad all the time, which often escalated into anger that was taken out way to many times on my roommates. I had damaged a lot of relationships which left me feeling alone and miserable.
But the most beautiful part of this story was the lesson that strong people are strong because of their weakness. While in Austria for a week in January, I was reminded of how incredible our God is. If God has the power to create the incredible Alp mountains that stretch for miles throughout Europe, full of beauty and splendor, why would I think that my problems are too big for Him?
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Each day brings a new struggle, but each hurdle I'm able to overcome makes me stronger. I have certainly had my moments where I feel I'm reverting back to previous ways, but now I know I'm not fighting this battle on my own. I've got incredible friends to keep me accountable, a new outlook on life, and a deeper faith.
I challenge you to find the things that make you weak and reflect on how God is using those weaknesses to redefine strength in your life. It might just change your life.
Bailey
