I've been thinking about the topic of "image" lately.
From the outside, it may seem like I have a perfect life. I'm a good student, I'm surrounded by family and friends that love me, I have a boyfriend who treats me like a queen, I'm going to the college of my dreams next fall, and I'm able to share my passion of community service through the Miss America Organization. I feel very blessed for all of those things but many don't know the internal struggles that I face on a daily basis.
By now, everyone knows that my dad has Alzheimer's. Life is a daily struggle when you live with someone who has Alzheimer's and no one will ever understand unless you go through something like this. I've watched my father steadily decline mentally while the only thing I can do is sit back and watch. From the outside, it looks like I'm okay with his diagnosis and that I've accepted the fact that I no longer have a father. But from the inside, I'm not okay with his diagnosis. I hate Alzheimer's. No one should have to go through something like that. From the outside, it looks like I've accepted and moved on from the grieve of loosing a father. But on the inside, you can never prepare for Alzheimer's. Everyday holds a new and different surprise. There is no way I can accept Alzheimer's into my life because it is so unpredictable. I don't know if my dad will be there to move me in to my dorm at college, or watch me graduate with a degree, he may not be there to walk me down the isle at my wedding, or be there for the birth of his grandchild. I don't know if he will forget my name tomorrow or next week. I can't accept Alzheimer's because everyday I say goodbye to a little bit of my father that I will never see again.
I've very comfortable in my own skin, but it wasn't always like that. Throughout middle school and part of high school, I internally struggled with my body image. I hated my height. I hated my pant size. I hated shopping with friends because I didn't want to feel bad about myself for picking a larger size than my friends. I looked in the mirror and saw an overweight pre-teen with unlucky genes. I think I took my hatred of my body out on food. From 5th to 10th grade I had slowly gained weight adding to my already poor body image. Leading up to my fourth time competing at Miss Minnesota's Outstanding Teen 2012, something clicked. I'm not sure what it was, but I wanted to get healthy. And I wanted to do it for me not society. Since the end of 2011, I've lost over 20 pounds. I've gone down two pant sizes and am now proud of my size 8 jeans. With every pound that I lost, I realized that I didn't gain more beauty with more weight lost. With every pound I lost, I shone brighter in God's light because I began accepting that I will never be a size 2. I will never fit into the size that society thinks it pretty, nor do I ever want to. Every once in a while I struggle with my body but I soon realize that I'm created perfectly in the image of Christ.
The truth is, we all struggle. Some struggle more than others. No life is perfect no matter how much it may seem so on the outside. We fight for the things that are important to us and never let a bump in the road stop us from achieving the things we always dreamed of. You cannot judge a book by it's cover nor can you judge people by the things other people say. Never allow yourself to be define by other peoples opinion of you.
God's plan for your life far exceeds the circumstances of your day. The sun will always rise but it will also always set. When life gets too hard to stand... kneel.
Your friend in Christ,
Bailey
